Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The wonders of un-accounted for money!

Yesterday the textbook buyer came to visit me.  This guy buys all the books that publishing companies send to the professors (that the profs don't want, and didn't ask for).  He buys them, and pays me!  Yes me!  So I left work with some cash in my pocket!

After visiting the closest Bank of America ATM (because you can deposit cash in there) I made my way to Target. Half an hour later I was driving home with a new glass carafe, scrubby sponges, microwave popcorn, salad and the makings of Sangria.

Why?  Because I decided to celebrate.  I made my favorite meal (mac 'n' cheese with taco meat mixed in), threw together the salad and mixed me some Sangria.  (The carafe is to pre-mix the wine and pomegranate/cranberry juice).

We watched Sunday night's Downton Abbey during dinner.  I managed not to yell at the TV.  After dinner I sat down and did the Spousal Equivalent's taxes.  After those were filed, we popped some popcorn and watched RuPaul's Drag Race.

All in all, a WONDERFUL night.  Even the dog was well behaved!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Putting on the Big Girl pants

So after the epic fail that was Saturday, I got up on Sunday and put on my Big Girl Pants.  Well, actually they were fuzzy PJ pants, but you get my drift.

The Spousal Equivalent got me up and out the door to the grocery store nice and early.  We budget $40 or so a week for groceries ($160ish a month) and came in under budget.

Then we came home to ...

(many thanks to Hyperbole and a Half for the picture, and the concept of CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!  And thanks to UrbanFaerie for posting it.)

We cleaned the Living Room, Kitchen and I even tackled the bathroom!  We were at a point where we actually COULD have company.  And we did.  My friend and her kitties came over.  It seems that we're pet sitting!  Misty isn't happy about it.  And showed this displeasure with barks and teeth.  My hand will heal, but the dog may be made into slippers if she keeps it up.

I'm mostly over the Epic Fail of Saturday.   I have left orders with people to not take no for an answer next time.  Honestly, the hardest part is just getting me out of the house!

But now it's Monday.  I have a clean house.  The craziness at work is all but over.  I have an orange and life is pretty good.  (But I hear blood oranges are in season.. need to find them!)

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Somedays, I really hate myself.

Yesterday my BFF, her family and I went to the My Time Women's Show.  It was a COLOSSAL waste of time.  We went last year.  We got some samples and signed up for every drawing.  It wasn't bad.  This year there were so many people that it was impossible to see anything.  I pushed my way through crowds for a few hours before we had lunch, I spent WAY too much on prescriptions and I came home.

That's when the headache and upset stomach started.  Why is this important?  Because everything started right before I was getting ready for a party.  A party I had been looking forward too all week.  I sat there, trying to decide if this now migraine was going to leave me enough energy to enjoy the party.  I decided that it wasn't and texted the hosts to tell the I was staying home.  I got a wonderful call, informing me that they had meds and they really were looking forward to seeing us.  But I was already comfy in my jammies and about to sleep off the headache.

I woke up at midnight with a realization.  The headache, stomachache and everything else was probably caused by my over-exposure to the crowds at the show earlier.  Basically it was all in my head.  My own issues with social anxiety sabotaged my good time. I did it to myself.  That thought nearly made me sick.  Yet again I let the demons win.  Other people are getting over themselves, why can't I?  And to make me feel even more disgusted with myself, apparently the party was a blast.

Friday, January 27, 2012

The day that I realized my teaching career was dead

But first, some background.  By 2009 I had my contract non-renewed by two districts.  In February of 2009 I added another one.  I wasn't surprised by this, though.  School had started in July, and by September my test scores were low enough that they put me on notice.

I could feel my heart rate speed up and my blood pressure rise every time the administration walked into the room.  I was observed almost weekly at points, then subjected to long conferences about how bad a teacher I was, and how awful my classroom management was.  I received my non-renewal notice in my box, at the end of lunch, on a Friday afternoon in late February.  I was devastated.  I was working incredibly hard, taking every criticism to heart and honestly trying to turn it around.  Since I was an emotional wreck, the teachers rallied around me.  The math specialist took over my class and the guidance counselor sent me home early.

The problem with a non-renewal notice is that yes, you are fired, but you have to continue to teach for the rest of the school year.  That's the hard part.

In April, my marriage ended.  I was also politely informed that the math and reading specialists were now going to teach math and reading.   At that point, it was a blessing.  I was tired.  I was having daily panic attacks at lunch.  But I still entertained the thought of teaching again.  maybe in a higher grade.

Until that day.

I can't tell you what day it was.  Or what month.  But one day right before dismissal I was trying to get everyone in their seat and quiet.  That was all I wanted.  Them sitting down and quiet.

It wasn't happening.

So I did something I never thought I'd do.  I screamed.  I screamed for them to sit down.  For God's sake, sit down.  Then I burst into tears, opened the door and let them go.  I was done.  Defeated.

The only thing that got me back in the classroom the next morning was the fact that several of my students raced down the hall to get other teachers to check on me.  They knew that they were in the wrong, and truly sorry that they upset me so.  I even received apology cards the next day.

The year eventually ended.  My panic attacks at lunchtime stopped.  Now my entire teaching career is in boxes, or given as gifts to other teachers.

In the end, I was a crap teacher.  And I wish I didn't spend almost 10 years of my life figuring it out.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A little bit of good news

After sitting at work yesterday and feeling like my clothes didn't fit anymore, I decided some working out was in order.  Well, that was after I waited out the headache that kicked my butt.

This morning I discovered that I've lost half of the weight the steroids packed on.  I proceeded to do some yoga, then got ready for work.

Speaking of work, it's been unbelievably stressful.  Thankfully that stress should be much less next week... just when I'm pulled off of my meds for allergy testing.

I'm anxiously waiting for tomorrow.  I'm going to make a healthy stir fry and watch chick flicks all night.  There might even be wine and chocolate involved!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Allergist

Yes, I went.  It was $40 and an hour out of my day, but it was worth it.

It was determined that:

  1. Yes, I have allergies.  The severe itching inside my head proves it.
  2. My asthma is atypical, and may not in face BE asthma.  (I'm not buying that)
  3. I have to go off of all of my allergy meds for a week.
Number three scares me.  Really scares me.  

The whole testing process will cost about $300, but I'll have answers and hopefully steps will be taken to get this mess under control!

Wish me luck!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Being Human

Being Human is one of our favorite shows.  It's one of those shows that started out as a British TV show, then was re-done as an American/Canadian show.

I saw half a dozen episodes when the British version first aired on the BBC, and I've seen the entire first season of the North American version.

The British version starts without much back story, or preamble.  It just kind of throws you into the middle of these ... people's.. daily lives.  (I wonder if this isn't due to the shortness of the British television season)  I was rather shocked that people could see the ghost, and that the vampire and the werewolf were eating pizza.  From the first episode I was a bit unhappy with how.. human.. the characters were.

Now, the SyFy show starts out with back story in the pilot, enough so I wasn't lost.  No one but the other Supernatural creatures could see her.  The vampire only drinks blood.  The werewolf is neurotic.  Everything seemed a bit more fleshed out.

I need to re-watch the British Being Human before I can compare them more, but I prefer the newer version.  Perhaps more viewings of the British version are needed.


This week's sermon at church was put together by the High School students.  it was based on Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s short story, "Harrison Bergeron."  This story tells of a completely equal American society.  This dystopian equality is enforced by "handicappers" that try to basically level the playing field to the lest common denominator.

That got me to thinking (in the late hours of the night.. I had trouble sleeping).  Dystopian fiction is all the rage these days, especially among teenagers.  But not all dystopian fiction is alike.  In my mind, there are two types.

The first type of Dystopian fiction is fiction that at first thinks it's portraying a Utopian society.. until things are probed a little deeper.  "Harrison Bergeron" is an example of this.  The Giver is perhaps the example that is the most well known.   In The Giver, we are introduced to a world with no poverty, no want, no need.  The place has this Borg-like perfection.  Everyone dresses alike, acts alike.  All the families have the same amount of children.  All the children celebrate their birthdays on the same day.  It looks perfect.  Until change is added, and things are discovered, and we find that adding color to the black and white is dangerous.  These novels make you wonder about the validity of over legislating things.

The other side of the coin are the gritty, Survivor-esque novels.  Much like The Hunger Games.  the world is dangerous.  The government is corrupt.  People die.  It's a struggle to survive.  Since The Hunger Games became so popular a crop of similar teen novels have sprung up.

There has been a lot of discussion as to why teen like these types of novels.  I think it's rather simple.  This is the world that these kids are going to (likely to... possibly will) inherit.  Teens read the news, and most of the time the news isn't good.  Global warming, obesity, legislating morality, all sorts of bad things clutter up the nightly news every day.  They watched the peaceful Occupy protests end in showers of pepper spray and mass arrests.  They know what might be on the horizon.

I just pray that it doesn't happen.  Living in a Giver-like, or Hunger Games-like world is an awful prospect.

Friday, January 20, 2012

The sounds of morning!

I woke up this morning to the sound of dog tags jingling together.  Then I heard that all too familiar slurp of Misty trying to lick the Spousal Equivalent's face off.  It was just after 4, and apparently she was hungry and wanted attention.

After being pushed away, she bounded to the end of the bed, then walked up my legs to sit on my stomach (and bladder), demanding petting.  That was it, she was up.  And so was the SE.

It's Friday.  It's cheese lover's day.  I'm craving Mac n' Cheese.  Good Mac n' Cheese.

Or maybe some fondue from the Melting Pot...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Pardon me while I become a Hermit.

That's hermit... not Kermit..

Work is stressful.  So incredibly stressful.  It started in December, when I learned that the boss was going to be out.  It's only gotten worse when the job searches were added to it.

The hermiting also started out slow, and gotten worse.  It started with me skipping choir practice.  Then me skipping church.  I avoided trips to the store.  We even left the convention early because I was just simply spent.

Add the steroids, and other illnesses and it's rather snowballed.

I have social events this weekend.  Wish me luck.

It's not Friday yet... but I wish it was

This week has been tiring and intense.  And it's not even Friday yet.  Friday is another job candidate day (which means I'm very busy!).

Thankfully, tonight is the last of the Cipro that I needed to take.  Tomorrow morning I can have real coffee, with real creamer.  I can have oatmeal for breakfast again.  You have no idea how much this excites me.  I've felt completely thrown from my comforting routine for the last few weeks.

Here's hoping I can motivate myself to work out this evening while supper is cooking!    Between getting back on my diet, and kicking myself in the butt to work out, I might actually see the numbers go down.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

And the Spring semester starts anew!

As I drove into work today, I witnessed a familiar sight:  college students not paying attention to where they are walking.  After almost hitting a few students I realized something.  Classes started today.

We've been without students for about a month.  I'd almost gotten used to the quiet!

But the students are back.  This week we're playing host to job candidates.  It's a highly charged, stressful to do all around.  I have to set up and take down a continental breakfast, order, pick up and set up lunch, provide snack, photocopy, make sure paperwork is filled out and make sure everyone knows where they need to go.

It's stressful.  Especially stressful since the boss is out on medical leave.  My only saving grace is the temp that was hired.  She retired from this job, so she can do all of the paperwork that I'm unsure about!

Of course, this is the first day of stress.  The stress will continue until next Friday.  Until then I need to make sure I sleep.  and I have a feeling doing that ten minutes of yoga in the morning will help.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

It's all so clear!

In other words, I'm an idiot.

When I first started on Weight Watchers, I made sure to pack my meals full of Zero Points vegetables.  I've been slacking.  The pounds have been creeping up.

I was thinking about the things, and my eating habits, and that's the biggest change.  I got un-inspired and fell back into old habits.  I've also been overeating, but after being sick, everything just tastes so good!  Am I right?

We ate a great dinner tonight, we have a likewise healthy meal planned for tomorrow.  I just need to throw some exercise into the mix and keep it up.

In other news, we have Monday off.  I'm am immensely thankful for this.  I have another day to get laundry done, and put my kitchen back to rights.  This weekend was simply full of fail, and awkward social moments.

Tonight I'm going to watch the Golden Globes and sip non-caffinated, non-dairy beverage.  (No one is more upset by these two things than I.  Thankfully I only have to endure it until Thursday. I want my coffee with real creamer!  Damnit!)

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Sometimes the cure is just as frustrating as the disease!

January has basically sucked for me health wise.  First, the asthma flare and the Prednisone.  Now a UTI and Cipro.

Let me tell you why Cipro sucks.

  • No Caffeine (It amplifies the effects or something like that)
  • No food with calcium in a 4 hour window of taking a dose
What does this mean?  Well, my coffee with creamer, cereal, oatmeal and milk has gone out the window.  So for a week it's toast with jam and juice.  Maybe hash browns and sausage.

It's 8:30 on day 1.  I have no coffee.  Which makes me rather sad!!  I guess we're hitting a grocery store today.

So yeah, the diet and exercise thing?  It's not going so well.  I guess I'll simply do the best I can until I get everything sorted out!

Friday, January 13, 2012

You know something has to go wrong on Friday the 13th....

Well, it did.  It actually started soon after midnight.

After all of this asthma crap, I'm not developing an UTI.  I know, that is a bit too much information, but it's also the truth.  It's also the most painful, uncomfortable, almost routine that a person can go through.  Imagine the feeling that your bladder is being filled up by a flaming balloon, while being squished by a brick.  Yeah, it's just that unpleasant.

And because of this, I want to publicly and loudly apologize to my Spousal Equivalent.  I was up well passed midnight, frustrated and in pain and simply wanting to sleep.  I woke him with my frustrations, and for that I'm sorry.  I also wanted to apologize to my friends that I was supposed to meet out last night.  Again with the not really feeling up to being in public!

So, after a night of annoying all that I loved, I decided to go to the doctor.  I've had this before and it can go from bad to unbearable rather quickly, and we're about to start a three day weekend.  So at 8, I got to the doctor's office, where they preceded to tell me that they can't find the infection.  After I very nearly cried, and explained that the pain and intense discomfort is very real, and rarely does the infection show up in my labs, they agreed to give me medicine.

I went off to Target to pick up the Cipro and the pain killer, only to discover that it wasn't there.  It might take a few hours.  So now I'm at the office, working a half day, trying not to let on how much I want to curl up and die.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Somedays it's just not worth getting out of bed!

I got to work this morning and an email bomb had gone off in my inbox.  Things that were supposed to happen in February are now happening next week.  Cue the frantic scrambling for hotel reservations, meal reservation and room reservations.

Add this to me still learning the boss's job while she's out.  Yes, I had to go and buy chocolate.

On top of this, at 10am, I and 20 other people went to a training.  No instructor.  I had to go back this afternoon.

But I sent out more money for the property taxes.  I just need that refund from NewEgg to get here.

I'm supposed to be going out tonight, tomorrow and Saturday.  Honestly, all I want is to stay home, drink wine and finish the first season of Downton Abbey.  I'm beat!  (and broke)


We all have them.  Mine are... not typical.

I have this fantasy that I'll will a small lottery jackpot.  I'll pay my debts, and buy a small house.

Seriously.  That's it.

Within all the worlds of possibilities, all I want is to live comfortably.

But why should that be so strange?  I've see MTV Cribs and the pictorials of star's mansions in magazines.  Does anyone really need a home like that?  I don't think so.

So while other people dream of being rich and famous, I'm going to dream of paying my bills.

And going to Disney World.

Apparently I have a Reputation!

I had to leave work early yesterday.  When I got home, I found that I had received email while in transit (in the rain... more on that later).

A lady from church had been having a conversation with another lady from church.  A stage manager was desperately needed for some performances at MarsCon this weekend and my name was mentioned. (I apologize in advance for the linked website... it's a horribly designed website)

I was amused at this.  These women, to my knowledge, didn't know that I have a large background in both Convention Planning and Stage Managing.  So I got two weekend passes out of the deal and agreed.

I actually had no intention of attending this convention.  I've been before and was bored stiff.  None of the panels interested me, I didn't recognize any of the guests and I couldn't justify spending money to support a con that I had no interest in.  But now? Free?  Why not?

In other news, it rained all night.  This really annoyed the dog.  She doesn't like being wet, and peeing in the rain has got to be like sitting on the floor of the shower. We went outside.  She'd drag me back in.  Five minutes later she whined to go out.  Repeat this for hours.

I weighed myself today.  I gained 3 pounds.  Stupid steroids.  Back to work at getting rid of that, along with this week's pound.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Well, there is good news in all of this...

I'm nearly done with the steroids, and it looks like I they have done their job.  I haven't used my inhaler in days.  This is wonderful!

Now, I need to undo all the damage that the steroids caused.  Mainly the water retention and weight gain.  Luckily, I'm getting passed the "I must eat everything now!" stage.  I actually have a normal appetite again.  Though some added job related stresses have me wanting to snack.

I have one super healthy meal planned, one more indulgent one, and a handful of other interesting dinners thought about.  I'm optimistic!  Now the hard part, I need to start exercising again.

Yesterday I started watching Downton Abbey.  I knew it was good, and it's on Netflix, so I figured I'd give it a try.  I should have known that after loving the reality show Manor House, I'd love this new show!  I have four more episodes to watch in season 1.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

On this journey towards health....

I've learned a few things.

  • Benedryl before bed helps combat insomnia.  It also helps you wake up wheeze free in the morning.  
  • Nasonex (the commercials with Antonio Bandaras as a bee) is great stuff, but the first two hours after taking it are hell!  
  • The doses of steroids are going down, and the wheezing isn't coming back.

With that seeming to be working itself out, I need to turn to the other pressing health problems at the moment:  diet and exercise.

The exercise is purely a motivation thing.  I need to do it as soon as I get home.

The diet is getting easier at the steroid-induced cravings subside.  Seriously, I didn't wake ravenously hungry today!

I was also looking for healthier, cheaper options and stumbled across Alton Brown's lentil episode.  I have a few recipes that I want to try along those lines.

Though I don't know if I'm brave enough to try the cookies...

Monday, January 9, 2012

I'm already over this week... and it's Monday

So in the first day of me doing this job solo I've run into:

  • movers that needed me to let them into half a dozen rooms to get the surplus items that we don't need to keep
  • course evaluations that I don't remember getting, and professors wondering about where they went
  • a million signed papers that need to be processed and filed and sent to another million different people
  • Post nasal drip that makes me feel like I'm drowning
  • a sore throat.
Plus there are things that need to be done, and people are in my way!  

*sigh*  but it's ok.  I'll get it all done.  I just need to be positive.

This was the longest weekend on record!

Besides the steroid induced crazies, I was also gifted with insomnia this weekend.  Friday night I couldn't get to sleep.  Sunday morning I was up before dawn.

I'm also hungry.  All the time!  It's been a serious battle between me and will power.

The good news is that I am feeling better.  The breathing is easier.  In addition:  my hair is dyed, the laundry is almost done and the house is clean.

I'm not attributing this all to the drugs (or the Spousal Equivalent's reaction to my crazies), but I think they helped with the motivation.

So now I'm back at work, making this week's to-do list.  It's only me here for the next month and a half.  The boss is out of leave, so my workload will increase.  it's scary, but ok.

My goal for the week is to do some yoga and aerobics every day.  Even if it's just ten minutes.  I know the steroids are messing with me, and I need to start combating that!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Only a week more of this....

Last might insomnia was the order of business. Insomnia and snacking.

So today I put the snacks away, sorted the laundry and actually made plans to work out (I'm taking it easy today: light cardio and yoga). But first, lunch. A not as healthy lunch plus a healthy dinner.

Friday, January 6, 2012

I made the mistake of going to the Apple store...

to play with the shiny iPads....

Now comes the decisions.

a.) I could buy a $300-$350 netbook.

b.) I could get a $500 iPad (mostly paid through payroll deduction) and a fancy keyboard case.

I'm actually leaning toward option B today.... but I don't know.  And I have a month to ponder it some more.

Steroids suck!

So according to Wikipedia, here's the highlights of the side effects of the steroids I'm on.

  • Difficulty controlling emotion
  • Difficulty in maintaining train of thought
  • Weight gain
  • Depression, mania, psychosis, or other psychiatric symptoms
  • Unusual fatigue or weakness
  • Mental confusion / indecisiveness
  • Insomnia
  • Anxiety
  • Nervousness
  • Increased appetite
  • Hyperactivity

Isn't that fun????  This is why I was up late last night sobbing about not being good enough to go back to church and how everyone judges me for not serving on more committees (among other, much sillier things).  I know, utter nonsense.  It's not me!  It's the steroids!!!  It was so bad I woke the dog, who then cried and wanted to be picked up so she could snuggle.  Even the cat came in to check on me!

Today starts my next step down, so I should be better (though they say the depression gets worse as you step down).

If it gets too much, I have PJ's and chick flicks waiting for me at home.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Les Miserables

Yes, they are actually making a movie!  The casting has been interesting....

  • High Jackman as Jean Valjean.  I'm ok with this!  Apparently they didn't just give him the role, he seriously auditioned!
  • Russell Crowe as Javert.  I know he has a rock background.  But at least he's sung before!
  • Anne Hathaway as Fantine.  The kid's got some great Broadway chops.  I approve
  • Helena Bonham Carter and Sacha Baron Cohen as the Thénardiers.  Another thumbs up.  They can both do crazy!
  • Aaron Tveit as Enjolras.  I've seen his work.  I approve.
  • Eddie Redmayne as Marius.  Who?
  • Amanda Seyfried as Cosette.  They say she's had operatic vocal training.  It could be ok.
  • Taylor Swift as Eponine.  What??  She beat out Lea Michele???  
I'm curious to see how the rest of the cast stacks up.  But I'd LOVE them to get the kid from the O2 concert to play Gavroche!  he was great!

Win some, gain some

The win:  I woke up this morning without wheezing.  For the first time in a month and a half.  Man, those steroids work!  The tricky part is making sure that the not-wheezing keeps up after I go off the steroids in a week and a half.

the gain: Well, after not being able to exercise, let alone move or take the dog on a walk for the last month and a half I gained back a pound.

So now that I can breathe, back to exercising.  If I can get my butt out of bed in the morning I want to do my 15 minute yoga practice in the morning, and aerobics in the afternoon.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

That was a short workday!

So, over the course of two months, I have sucked dry three inhalers.  This is rather not cool!  So I made an appointment, and off to the doctor I went!

She is going to try me on a tapered dose of Prednisone, plus give me a referral to an Allergist.  I'm on the 'Roids!  Honestly, I hope this helps.  Waking up wheezing so loud the dog notices... it's not cool.

So I went to the doctor, then off to Target to get the prescription filled.  In my half an hour wait, I wandered off to Fresh Market to use a newly acquired gift card to buy some good coffee and yummy cookies.  Cookies, coffee, the meds and hair dye in hand, I then visited the Post Office to mail back the not needed netbook cord. Now I'm home.  I need to sort out the pile of paper the doctor gave, eat some lunch and most importantly of all, breathe.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012


Well, the charger wasn't blown on my netbook.  It was the place where the charger plugs in.  It's a $300 repair.  Um.. no.

I'm sending back the charging cable, and getting a refund.  I'm also getting a start on the taxes, since that is how I'm going to fund the new computer.

The questions remains:  What do I use my netbook for?  It sat on the coffee table for years and was used pretty consistently. I chat online, surf the web and blog from the living room.  Anything more heavy duty (work processing, iTunes) gets done on the desktop.  I came up with 2 options:  A Chromebook (about $300) and a iPad (about $500)

More research will be needed.

Work is interesting when you're alone!

It's January 3rd.  Most of the faculty is either enroute to, or already at the AHA conference.  My co-worker is sick.

What does that mean?  I'm alone.

It's actually rather weird.  I don't have anyone coming in to ask me to do things.  I have things that need doing, but they have to be done by March or so.

So what has been going on here.  Besides my slowly working through some data entry, I've been tracking packages.  Tracking them to other buildings on campus.  Stupid UPS.

On the 29th of December, my netbook's power cable blew.  So off to Best Buy we went.  Oh no.  Even though Best Buy sold us the computer, they don't have the power cord!  So I look at NewEgg.com.  There it is!  I have it delivered to work and think that my work is done.  I had to go out into the cold, windy weather and track down where the package had actually gone.  My asthma is flaring pretty badly, so the cold isn't exactly helpful.  (Doctor appointment tomorrow to get it sorted out).

By the way, if the power cord doesn't work, it means I need a new netbook.  I was thinking of this one, since all I do with the thing is use an internet browser, anyways!

But now I need to get back to my data entry.  The worrying about my computer can wait.

Sometimes saying "Oh Cheer up!" doesn't cut it

Now, let me preface this with: I've never been diagnosed with anything.  Like so many others, my insurance covers meds, and not the more expensive therapy, so I've opted not to seek help... for now.

I read this last night.  I've been reading the Bloggess for months now.  I follow her on Twitter.  I know she's been having a rough time.  I have seen many of my friends have a similarly rough time.

I deal with depression and anxiety too.  No where near as severely as she does.  I'm lucky that I have a partner that understands, and holds me when I need to cry.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Resolutions and Regrets

Don't they go together?  You make resolutions.  You don't follow through, then you get regrets.

I have a lot of regret in my life.  Things I should have done.  Things I didn't do.  Things I wish I could redo so it would turn out better.  Things that should have been left unsaid.

Through two very long car rides, I had a lot to think about.  Mainly I though about how I wished that I could go back to certain moments of time, to spend time with people as they were back then.  I miss hanging out with Ray and Justine, their compassion and caring... before everyone's personal lives exploded and things got strange.  I miss Chris and Kacy, how caring and supportive they were before my divorce, before they fell off the face of the planet.  I miss Nick, who was my rock, before our lives took us in different directions.

There are also people that I wish we could send back in time, knowing what they know now. Heather has a new resolve that is truly impressive.  I now wish she had it in High School.  I wish that I had heard what people said to me before my marriage (Heather, Dawn and Chelsey).

But, in the end, I can't live in the past.  I can look back on these memories fondly.  I can't beat myself up about what might have been, or what I should have done.

Like they say in Meet the Robinsons:  "Keep Moving Forward."

I'm going to keep moving forward, right to bed.