Thursday, August 19, 2010

Enough is enough...

I've been in the "Depths of Despair" (to quote Anne Shirley) all week. I know looming unemployment, the con and PMDD are to blame.

I've let the working out slip... and since my pants are tight... I can't do that anymore!

My goal is to lose a pound a week for a year. That's a little over 50 pounds. Measuring will be tricky.... since I have no scale.. but my Wii Fit will do.

So when I get home, it's taking the dog out for a walk... then Wii yoga until the Spousal Equivalent gets home (he wants to work out too). I'll weigh myself this afternoon... and see how far I have to go!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


I used to have purpose in my life. I was going to teach, then have a family.

That didn't work out too well.

Now, my life just has no purpose. I'm a temporary employee. Any minute now the job I'm doing might dry up and go away, leaving me pennyless. I've applied to over 20 jobs a week, every week, for the last year and a half. I've had dozens of interviews (only some of which got back to me telling me that I didn't get the job). Nothing.

I'm thankful that I'm working now.... but I'm waiting for that shoe to drop... and it will... I just live in panic as to when.

So Now I look for a new path in life. I've got skills that would be useful to a great number of employers... but no.. they don't want me.

So I wait. And pray. And try not to lose hope. I don't have much hope left.... every rejection letter erodes it a little.

Winning the lottery would be nice....

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I've been doing a lot of reading

I had to go to New York in July, so I got a lot of reading done then. After I got back something told me that I needed to pick up Eat Pray Love.

The first chapter brought me to tears. The author was crying, not wanting to be married anymore. She thought she was broken. She was 30, married, and should be wanting children.

I've been there. He never wanted children.. until his sister developed ovarian cancer. All of a sudden, he did. And I didn't.

But I'm a woman. Shouldn't I want children? Shouldn't I want to be a mom? I don't. I feel like I may be broken somehow. Maybe this is why I can't get a job... maybe this is why I feel like I'm falling apart... because I'm fundamentally broken.