Monday, May 11, 2020

The Struggle Bus

Like many people these days, I'm firmly riding the struggle bus.

My current quarantine struggles:

  • I'm losing track of time.  Today I blinked and it was past noon!
  • I can't keep track of the date or day of the week
  • I normally have NO memory.  It's SO much worse now!!
  • I'm having weird, vivid dreams
  • For some reason I'm having issues with reading comprehension.  Emails and text messages.  I have to read them a dozen times before I comprehend ALL of it.  It's terrible!


For example.  This all happened today I:


  • Pissed off the cat. She ran away and is hiding from me so I can’t give her meds
  • Pissed off the dog by trying to take her outside
  • Stubbed my toe on the vacuum
  • Took a shower... am unsure if I brushed my teeth
  • My hair is wet, yet I don’t remember showering
  • Actually had to look down to check if I was wearing pants.


That last part happened just now.  I'm not under a blanket.  I'm on a chair. 

Today is just being a struggle.  I have to pick up wine from the wine store and my completion packet from the running store.  I'm afraid to get behind the wheel of my car!

I just noticed that it's 1.  Maybe I should get some lunch?

Monday, April 27, 2020

Nothing is normal anymore!

As we're entering week 32585 of quarantine, I'm rather over it!

I know.... privileged... I could be sick..  I could be dead.  I'm just stuck in the house.

I'm just struggling.  I'm struggling to form a new routine.  My weight is up.  I have a few new minorly concerning health issues... but doctors offices aren't open!  Grocery shopping is difficult.  My voice lessons are on hold.  I miss singing with the girls!

Lately I've been feeling on the verge of tears all the time.  Nothing in the world is right.  People are dying.  Protests are happening because people care more about themselves than others.

For fuck's sake, Disney is closed!  And that's the one that bothers me the most.

Why? 

Disney is my escape.  In times of stress, I know that Disney is there.  That I have a trip on the horizon to plan for.  Even if I'm far away from a Disney trip, usually Busch Gardens is there for me to escape for a few hours.  My outlets are gone.

I'm not special.  Everyone's outlets are closed.  Everyone's coping mechanisms are in uproar. 

I think I'm going to go take a walk.  See if I can get the pup to come with me.  It's not a solution, but maybe it'll help for now.

Friday, April 24, 2020

Deep Thoughts

blast from the past, huh?
I think we're all hitting peak cabin fever these days.  I know I am.  I've been desperate to do things that aren't at home.

Here's a list of things I've contemplated doing of late:

  • Clean out my closets
  • clean out the fridge
  • learn a new language.
  • going back to the SCA.  I even started researching garb!
  • planned a trip to a Renaissance Faire
  • start training to run a marathon
  • Quickly switch to training for a 5K
  • contemplating going back to organized religion
That last one though...

I toy with this from time to time.  

I love the idea of a community of faith.  But between my own anxiety, and the bad taste the the media driven Christianity has left in my mouth keep me from it.
Now, I know that I'm not going to be hitting a mega church any time soon.  That would be bad for everyone involved.

I've tried Unitarian Universalism.  I rather liked that church... but that building is fit to bursting.

My BFF goes to a United Church of Christ church.  This denomination is a step down from UU.  But will I be comfortable with the level of Jesus. Do I go out of left field and try Judiasm?  But that's like learning a new language.  I tried paganism, but at times finding your way into a group that's free of crazies and that you click with... it's easier to become a Mason!

Most likely I'll ponder this for months.  Then the restrictions will lift.  And I'll end up spending my Sunday mornings running.  You know, to train for the matrathon.

Or maybe I'll give up these thoughts of God and bake some bread.  

Monday, April 20, 2020

Emotions are weird (with memes I've shared on Facebook recently)


One constant of these weird pandemic times is emotions.

People are finding themselves we weird emotional responses to things.  Posts are running around on Facebook on how the emotional responses people are having are trauma based.

Me?  I feel like I’m on the edge of tears almost all the time!  I’m crying at every little thing.  (This is not far from normal, but it’s turned up to 11!)

What are we to do?  You just have to not get upset at yourself for having feelings!  We don't have our normal lives, and COVID-19 is out there like a Dementor looking for prey
Every day is different for me.  Some days I forget to drink anything...
Some days I want to do nothing but walk outside.  Other days I can't be motivated to workout at all!
I'm also falling into the working form home trap.  I'm checking email late into the night and doing work off the clock on the weekends.  While I'm efficient, it's not helping my mental state.  And I'm working for free!  other days I wait for emails for hours so I can proceed with things.  Other days I having issues getting off the couch TO work
Today I'm sitting on the Struggle Bus.  The dog is crying under the couch.  The cats are hiding. I'm trying not to cry.  But I have a to-do list.  And groceries to pick up during lunch.
But we'll get through this.  Eventually we'll slowly be able to get back to our old lives.  Sadly, we don't know WHEN that will be.
But if it's any solace, there's only 2 places on earth that have no cases of COVID-19:
Now I'm off to load the dishwasher.  It's not much, but it's something that I CAN do today.

Friday, April 17, 2020

I'm not fast

I'm doing the Social Distance challenge that's being put on by my local running store.  I have 4 weeks to run or walk a total of 26.2 miles.

This thing started on Saturday.  And there's quite a few people almost done.  Why?  because they go out in the morning and in 30 minutes run like 8 miles.

Me?

I'm not fast.  Not at all!!

In 30 minutes I can run just under 2 miles.

It'll take me the entire 4 weeks to do the 26.2. 

I log every walk and run.  I try to do a mile and a half in the morning and a mile at lunch.  I'm already up to 7.5 miles!

But not the 20 some odd miles that other people have already.

Nope, I'm not fast.  It's something that I'm going to work on more when the mornings are warmer and less nasty on my lungs.

I'm sure that none of the other people in this challenge came in last in a race! 

I'm not fast.  But I'll get it done!

Monday, March 30, 2020

The Fixin' to Die Rag



"And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates
Ain't no time to wonder why, whoopee we're all gonna die"

This has been running through my head a lot.

I realized something yesterday:  I really don't want to die.  (Like most people).  I don't want my husband to have to make the hard decisions.  I don't want to leave my pets without a mommy.  I want to go to Disney again!

I especially don't want to die from respiratory nastiness.  I've had pneumonia a few times.  It's terrifying.

Also, if I'm going to get sick, I'm probably already sick.  That's why this disease is so awful.  Every person is a ticking time bomb.

So here I am, washing my hands and only leaving my house when I absolutely have to.

And trying not to have too much of an existential crisis.

Friday, March 27, 2020

COVID-19 and Inside Out

I realized today that we're experiencing most of the Inside Out feelings:



With everything being closed, it's easy to get angry at the situation.  or just to have a short fuse in general.








Fear is a big one for me right now.  Is this thing going to kill me?  Will I lose my job, my insurance or my house?  How will my family deal with me being sick?  Can I afford to go to a hospital, or will dying be cheaper?  It's scary out there!






I, for one, am disgusted at how the government is handling this.  I'm also disgusted at myself for the snacks I'm eating!!









Sadness is an easy one.  A lot of people are sad.  Sad that school is out.  Sad that everything is closed.  Sad because they can't live their lives and see their friends.














Social Distancing is getting me down.  I'm introverted, but as soon as you tell me that I CAN'T see people, I'm desperate to be out among people!










Hopefully soon we'll all feel some joy as we can resume our lives. 







Hopefully in a few months we can get back to living our lives like we have been.  But hopefully we'll have learned something from this.