Sunday, April 15, 2012

Insomnia, How I Loathe Thee

Tonight was absolutely full of fail.  We went to the church for LGBT movie night.  The very interesting documentary was shown on a projector that messed up the color.  We were going to go home, but a friend begged the Spousal Equivalent to go dancing.  At Midnight.  I couldn't go.

A.) It's MIDNIGHT.  when normal people are in bed. and B.) It's DANCING.  I'm too old and too fat to go out and do that anymore.

I actually used to do to this place every once in a while.  Then I got the comment from a friend.. "1985 called.  They want their dancing back."  I think I only went out twice after she said that.  That line, combined with a comment on how I'm a flirt ruined it for me.  I could feel everyone's eyes on me while I danced.  Which made me feel older and fatter.  That, combined that people were leaving the house after I normally am in bed... I stayed home.

The dog barked at every little noise until 3am.  That's when I gave up on trying to sleep.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I finished my spring cleaning.  Right now I'm too angry to sleep.  I'm angry at my friends for being young and mentally healthy.  I'm angry at myself for being old, fat and mentally unwell.  I'm angry at the dog for barking.  I'm angry at myself for buying something for myself.  I'm angry for the projector not working.

It's almost 5am, and I've maybe only slept an hour.  This is when the thoughts swirl.  Maybe I should leave.  Everyone would be better off without me, since I'm so broken.  But that's my jumbled thoughts talking.  My guilt and anger.

The dog is finally asleep.  The SE came home and is out cold, but I'm still up.  Maybe I should take something and hope for a few hours of sleep.  Maybe I'll be less angry then.

Edited to add: I have a feeling that last night was a combo of PMDD and Perimenopause. (hot flashes? Already?)


Eleanor said...

I get this. I am glad to have you back in my life, even if it is via your blog and fb. You have made a difference in mine, so, no, not everyone would be better off.

There is so much I want to say, but.....not sure how to make it make sense. You are not alone in your thinking. I get it.

Love you!

aphrexia_vacano said...

I have never had the pleasure of meeting you in person. But I can relate to you on so many levels. Just reading your posts here and I would miss you if you were gone.
I get the broken feeling. I fight with that every day. You are not alone.

Meari said...

Thank you aphrexia_vacano!! Thanks for reading.. and thanks for assuring me that I'm not alone.

J.D.Burke said...

I've been in that thought situation before & it rears it's very ugly head frequently enough that I begin to hate myself for thinking these thoughts. I've been so depressed, so miserable, so ugly, that I too thought it best to just leave everyone would be best. I know that it was/is my depression & low self esteem that likes to say these hateful things about myself. I've been there & frequently am visited by them. I try not to "listen" to them anymore, although it is very difficult. I try to keep a positive outlook on things & love for the moment & not worry about what "may" happen or what has happened. I know it seems simple, but it's something that I actually have to work at every single day. You are needed here, no matter what your 3am voice is telling you.

Jackie Burke