It's been nearly a year since I've been to my church for service.
Part of it is the fact that I run most weekend mornings...
But the majority of the problem is completely in my own head.
The issue started years ago. I didn't feel up to the standard. I wasn't a vegan civil justice and eco-warrior. I wasn't installing solar panels on my house or marching on Washington or feeding the homeless.
It also doesn't help that the congregation has had a surge in membership. The coffee hour between the services was an exercise in social anxiety. Then singing in the choir would lead to full grown panic. Then I got a call from a very well meaning old lady. She was asked to call me because I hadn't been to church in a while, but she honestly had no idea who I was.
And that was the beginning of the end. I don't know what it was about that, but I started thinking that everyone was talking about me behind my back, speculating as to why I was no longer there.
(Remember, this is in my own head. No one has done anything wrong!)
I remember sitting in my living room after the call, laughing hysterically. Laughing in that "as you ok....?" kind of way.
"People are talking about me. I can't ever go back there. They'll know....." Know what? That I've been absent? Well, people that care often realize that you aren't there... Know that I'm crazy?
Then I got an email from the most kind, caring, well-intentioned guy at the entire church, wondering where I was.
I got another one before Christmas. That's when I decided that the pressure to return was too great to actually return. Once I knew that people were actively looking out for me, I started feeling all sorts of expectations and pressure. I was done.
See? Completely in my head.
I was going to actually wait until I could get the Chorus Music Library straightened out, but the December email was it.
So I'm out. I officially have no church.
And I don't know how I feel about that....