Saturday, July 14, 2018

Keeping Them (well me...) Honest

The last few days have been interesting.... and not in a good way.

And now for some accountability:

I had some days off last week, due to the holiday.  I took my car to the shop for an oil change, tire rotation and other assorted things.  Not a problem.  I have the money for it.

When I picked it up, I was told that I’d need to get new tires in the next six months or so.

Actually it was 6 days.  My tires were dry rotten, so the air was seeping out.  4 new tires, and the rest of my money.

Sadly, because of that the event that I was supposed to attend this weekend isn’t happening (I can’t justify the cost.....).  Instead we went to Busch Gardens.  The member benefits for this month included a $10 gift card.  So breakfast and lunch were paid for.  Instead of going out today, I’m going to watch Harry Potter and clean my kitchen.

I need to re-tool my budget.  Seriously.  I shouldn’t have to buy work clothes until winter (if not longer).  I have some money in savings for our Disney trip.  I just need to plan better so I don’t have to buy lunches.  No more impulse buys.

The other thing keeping me away from the event was the crowds.  I’ve been largely absent from these people... my friends... for an age.  It’s been so long that I don’t exactly know how to re-intrigrate myself in without it being super weird.

This isn’t logical, I know.   Seriously, I need to have people come to my house and pick me up to make sure that I go out and interact with people!

But sadly, that is a project for next weekend.

This weekend I’m meal planning.  I need to make my dollars go farther!
Next week:  Interact with my friends to remind myself that yes, they are in fact my friends!!

Monday, June 25, 2018

Something wild and crazy!

I got the brilliant idea a while ago to start a YouTube channel!

But what would I want to make videos about?

My love of Disney?
My geeky TV show obsessions?
Drag Race recaps?
Scholarly analysis of popular musicals?
Reviews of exercise programs?
How to videos for cooking?

I also have reservations...

Will I sound like a babbling idiot?
Will anyone watch my videos?
Do I have the right equipment?
How do you edit one of these anyways?

I clearly have more thinking to do.

But would you watch?

An interesting Facebook Post I found.

I had something come across my Facebook feed the other day.  It was a list of anecdotes that anxiety sufferers shared with the website.  These are behaviors that aren't traditionally associated with anxiety.  The list resonated with me.

1. “I have an attitude out of no where and I can be really short with people even though it’s not their fault.” — Lisa K.

This one hit me hard.  My "F You" threshold gets turned WAY down when I'm anxious.  And it comes out of the blue.  If you ever listen to me having a strong negative reaction from me, especially if that reaction is out of the blue... it's usually anxiety.

2. “I cannot express myself right. I can’t find the words, they don’t come out in the right order and I cannot process what people are telling me. I can’t look at them, hear them speak and have no idea what they just said or did not understand them at all.” — Laura P.

There's two sides of this for me. 

#1- I'm ALWAYS searching for the right word.  My mind blanks out of the correct noun ALL THE TIME.

#2- if I'm flustered, or trying to be part of a conversation, I'll spend more time trying to craft something to say than actually listening to the conversation. 

3. “I brush people off and close myself off. So many people think anxiety looks like running around and being visibly upset, but most often it’s a battle within your own mind. I know I’ll come off snarky, and I do, if people force me into talking (especially small talk) when I’m having a panic attack.” — Amanda P.

This.  So much this!

4. “I question every little thing and no amount of reassurance will convince me that the people in my life don’t hate me.” — Lillian S.

And of course when people DO try to reassure me, I'll start the internal dialogue: "Of course they SAY that, but do they REALLY mean it?"

7. “I lash out in anger. My brain fills up with anxiety and I sometimes say things I don’t mean because I feel like I’m in a fight or flight situation. It hurts my relationships with other people if I don’t watch what I say when anxious.” — Morgan M.

See number one.  It's another reason why I tend to hermit.

13. “I stop answering any and all texts, I rarely talk when I’m with someone or I talk too much.” — Erika K.

If I'm in a social situation and develop verbal diarrhea?  That's anxiety.

16. “I cancel plans… even if it means missing out on something I used to love. Anxiety has been a huge part of my life for about two years now and I have missed out a lot. Just thinking of planning something can be so physically exhausting. I don’t think people know that I am so drained from just worrying about what could happen, I would rather stay home.” — Kayla L. 

It doesn't happen very often.  Maybe once every few years.  But when I'm SUPER anxious and have to leave the house I spend all day paranoid that the house will burn down and the pets will die.  Irrational?  Yes.  But thankfully it happens very, very rarely.  (Though I came home years ago and there were fire trucks in the apartment complex.  It wasn't us, but I freaked the f*ck out!)

What does all of this mean?  Well, I should get out of the damn house more.  (It's a personal goal).  it also means that if you ever see behavior from me that seems out of left field.... don't take it personally.

Friday, June 1, 2018


For over a week my routine as been out of wack.  Without the AC, I've not wanted to do anything that will generate heat: laundry, cooking.  Or anything that will make me sweat too much, like cleaning.  We're struggling with keeping the house dehumidified (lest my allergies go nuts!) and keeping the cats from melting.  I've woken up with a headache almost every day this week.

I'm out of sorts, and feeling rather sad, anxious and just plain off.

There's now an end in sight.  They'll be here on Monday to fix the AC (sooner if there's a cancellation today).

I just have to get through three more days.  Then maybe I'll be able to get back to normal.  And I'll be able to cook... and do wash.  And not watch the cats melt and the dog pant.

And when I get back to a routine, maybe it can help pull me out of this funk.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Worst. Long. Weekend. Ever.

Remember in 2016 when our AC went out?  Well, it happened again.  Exact same symptoms.  The inside unit is working, but the fan in the outside unit isn't a-spinnin'.  We noticed it on Wednesday of last week.  Told the landlord right away.  Friday they called... the earliest their usual repair people can come is in 2 weeks.

2 weeks????  We're on a waiting list for the next available appointment, and he'll call around to see if someone can get here sooner.

Thankfully the weather wasn't in the triple digits like it was the last time this happened. So it's been livable.   The only issue I really have is how INCREDIBLY humid it is inside.  We're emptying out dehumidifier twice a day!

We spent the weekend monitoring the pets.  The dog was super pant-y and one of the cats melted.

Friday night the portable AC unit in the bedroom stopped working, leaving me with 2 hours of sleep before my Saturday morning race. 

Thankfully, Target had another unit.  It was bought online and I picked it up afterwords.  Cue a blessed nap!

After my very cold post-race shower and a nap, I sent the Spousal Equivalent to Viking Burger for lunch.  he came back with everything but my fries. 

Monday I went to order breakfast on the SE's app, and forgot to put it in the cart....

And today, driving into work, I found myself with the tire pressure light on.

Can I have a do-over?

How was your weekend?

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Anxiety Lies

I went out last night to a semi-required event with an organization that I'm a member of.  I was already exhausted, and I didn't know a great deal of the people at said event very well.  I spent the night thinking about all the crap that needed to be done at home and at work (even if I didn't want to).

By the time we left (early, might I add) I had declared that I was leaving that group and I didn't even know why I was there in the first place.

It is rather true that my own personal clock is very little like most everyone I know.  While many of my friends want to party until dawn, I'm almost always home and in bed by 10, never go out on a Friday night, and am up most mornings between 5 and 6.  And the fact that I'm up EXERCISING between 5 and 6 blows their minds!

I'm not like other people, and I know that.  I have no kids.  I don't like going out drinking or dancing.  My house is decorated in Geek-Chic.  I can have long, in depth conversation about Disney, Marvel Movies and RuPaul's Drag Race, but not sports or most of the TV shows that people watch.  Hell, I cna talk Geek and throw in parallels to history and classic literature.  (Black Panther.... totally based on Hamlet.)

I also have the memory of a goldfish, and have anxiety issues that prevent me from going out and being social at times (the bigger the group, or the more people that I don't know.. the worse it gets)

The awful part of this is:  If I just got over myself I'd have a good time.  The awful feeling that no one likes me is a lie.

And I think my main reason for joining certain organizations that I have attempted to join.  If I'm a member, then I'll KNOW that they like me.  (Even if the nights at bars cause panic attacks or the thought of volunteering makes me want to hide)

Maybe I need to re-evaluate things.  maybe I need to call my BFF more and schedule time together.  Maybe I need to realize that my friends are as geeky as me and totally unashamed about it.

It's just the anxiety lying. 

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

It's that time of year again....

It's the same.  Every year the weeks before Commencement are full of deadlines, and to do lists.  And the weeks after are full of financial matters.

And it's mentally exhausting.

I have absolutely no concept of time.  Almost every week for the last month I've declared how excited I was that Friday was tomorrow.... only to be told that today is Tuesday.  But those two days had so much going on that it felt like four days.

My brain is so stuffed with things to do, remember and figure out that I'm walking into rooms with no idea why I'm even there.

And let's not mention the fast that I was half way to work when I remembered that I didn't have make up on.  Let's all be glad that I didn't forget things like pants or a bra.  I'm even having dreams about doing things, then realizing that I've not actually remembered to do them in the real world

And every night I go home and try to do the thinking thing, and end up like this:

So if I look like a zombie when you see me next, I should be better in a few weeks!