Sunday I sat in service, quietly willing away a growing panic attack. I'm sure 90% of my problem was the fact that I was sick, but still.... it left me with a lot to think about.
Am I happy with my church? or any church?
The answer is: I don't know.
My issue seems to be less with the message (unless it's pledging season..) and more with how I fit among the people.
We have a too-large congregation in a too small building. The coffee hour between services is wall to wall people. People that I should be having social interactions with. But in that large a crowd? I'd rather be in the solitude of the bathroom. I avoid large dinners and other crowds. People vaguely know me, and the burden of social interaction seems overwhelming at times. I don't know what to talk about. I overshare and can't stop talking when I'm nervous. (There's a lovely chapter in the Bloggess's book that is JUST THIS)
Singing in the choir used to bring me joy, but now it's seems to be a burden. Something that I have to do. I have to make sure that there is enough music. I have to find and file it. I have to make sure that it all comes back.
I used to be a part of the young adult community. But I'm a few months away from being 40. I'm hardly a young adult anymore. Besides, these young adults are full of a passion for social justice. And while I feel for those causes, the enormity of them leaves me at a loss. I admire the youth for their zeal, but I'm no longer young.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be missed if I never came back. Would my absence be felt? Would anyone care? I'm not close to many at the church. Would they notice?
I also wonder if I belong in their beloved community....
I also think that I'm ill, and stressed, and severely in need of a nap. Maybe things will look better after a few days off from work and a good nap.