Saturday, May 12, 2018

Anxiety Lies

I went out last night to a semi-required event with an organization that I'm a member of.  I was already exhausted, and I didn't know a great deal of the people at said event very well.  I spent the night thinking about all the crap that needed to be done at home and at work (even if I didn't want to).

By the time we left (early, might I add) I had declared that I was leaving that group and I didn't even know why I was there in the first place.

It is rather true that my own personal clock is very little like most everyone I know.  While many of my friends want to party until dawn, I'm almost always home and in bed by 10, never go out on a Friday night, and am up most mornings between 5 and 6.  And the fact that I'm up EXERCISING between 5 and 6 blows their minds!

I'm not like other people, and I know that.  I have no kids.  I don't like going out drinking or dancing.  My house is decorated in Geek-Chic.  I can have long, in depth conversation about Disney, Marvel Movies and RuPaul's Drag Race, but not sports or most of the TV shows that people watch.  Hell, I cna talk Geek and throw in parallels to history and classic literature.  (Black Panther.... totally based on Hamlet.)

I also have the memory of a goldfish, and have anxiety issues that prevent me from going out and being social at times (the bigger the group, or the more people that I don't know.. the worse it gets)

The awful part of this is:  If I just got over myself I'd have a good time.  The awful feeling that no one likes me is a lie.

And I think my main reason for joining certain organizations that I have attempted to join.  If I'm a member, then I'll KNOW that they like me.  (Even if the nights at bars cause panic attacks or the thought of volunteering makes me want to hide)

Maybe I need to re-evaluate things.  maybe I need to call my BFF more and schedule time together.  Maybe I need to realize that my friends are as geeky as me and totally unashamed about it.

It's just the anxiety lying. 

1 comment:

Unknown said...

This might be a cliche, but I wish you could see yourself through our eyes. You are a beautiful, fun person, and we love you! ❤️❤️