I went out last night to a semi-required event with an organization that I'm a member of. I was already exhausted, and I didn't know a great deal of the people at said event very well. I spent the night thinking about all the crap that needed to be done at home and at work (even if I didn't want to).
By the time we left (early, might I add) I had declared that I was leaving that group and I didn't even know why I was there in the first place.
It is rather true that my own personal clock is very little like most everyone I know. While many of my friends want to party until dawn, I'm almost always home and in bed by 10, never go out on a Friday night, and am up most mornings between 5 and 6. And the fact that I'm up EXERCISING between 5 and 6 blows their minds!
I'm not like other people, and I know that. I have no kids. I don't like going out drinking or dancing. My house is decorated in Geek-Chic. I can have long, in depth conversation about Disney, Marvel Movies and RuPaul's Drag Race, but not sports or most of the TV shows that people watch. Hell, I cna talk Geek and throw in parallels to history and classic literature. (Black Panther.... totally based on Hamlet.)
I also have the memory of a goldfish, and have anxiety issues that prevent me from going out and being social at times (the bigger the group, or the more people that I don't know.. the worse it gets)
The awful part of this is: If I just got over myself I'd have a good time. The awful feeling that no one likes me is a lie.
And I think my main reason for joining certain organizations that I have attempted to join. If I'm a member, then I'll KNOW that they like me. (Even if the nights at bars cause panic attacks or the thought of volunteering makes me want to hide)
Maybe I need to re-evaluate things. maybe I need to call my BFF more and schedule time together. Maybe I need to realize that my friends are as geeky as me and totally unashamed about it.
It's just the anxiety lying.