I find it a bit fitting that this is World Mental Health Day. I just went into a Facebook group that is associated with a Real Life group that I'm involved with and deleted most of the post that I've made. Why? For a few minutes I got it in my head that no one wanted me around, so I was removing my presence from them.
Did anything happen to bring this on? Not a damn thing.
But all day I've been fighting the desire to go home and never leave the house again. A little voice in the back of my mind tells me that no one really wants me around. That voice insists that I'll never lose weight, that I'm fat and ugly so why bothering exercise. That voice, luckily has never instructed me to end it all.
What brought this on? There's a better than average chance that it's hormonal. In a few days I'll wake up and life will have meaning again. Until then it'll be a struggle not to cancel every plan that I've ever made. Not to leave every organization that I'm in. Not to hide under my bed for foreseeable future.
I'm not writing this for reassurance. I'm not writing this to seek sympathy. I'm writing this to highlight my own mental health difficulties that I'm having on this, World Mental Health Day.
I'm a lucky one. These periodic struggles with anxiety and depression are, as I said, periodic. It's not something that I deal with every day. Which makes me one of the lucky ones.
But right now I'm going to stop myself from resigning from all the organizations I belong to. I'm going to delete the half formed texts to friends that cancel our plans.
Instead I'm going to have a bit of chocolate, and get back to work.