I added it up today. I have been looking for full time work for a year and eight months.
After six rejections in two weeks, and a hard look at the finances, I broke down and had a good cry. It weighs so heavily on me, this lack of security and stability. I can't pay my half of the rent. No where close. We're barely making it month to month, and it's mostly my fault.
I don't know how much longer I can live like this: sending out five to ten applications a day, going on the occasional interview then being rejected. The definition of success is being knocked down six times and getting up seven. I've been knocked down hundreds of times. Getting up is getting harder and harder.
For right now, I'm curled up, warm and loved. It's the only thing I can do.