It all started when the choir director mentioned something about choreography with the song for Sunday. I started saying No.. no no no no. I could feel the panic rising.
About 20 minutes later, I mentioned that practicing this might be difficult, given that the sanctuary was set up with tables for a dinner. The Religious Education Director, who set up the tables, got upset and left. Great.... she's upset with me.
On the way home I chatted with my carpool buddy about this, and our own spiritual paths.
- that many of the problems in my last spiritual crisis are not resolved
- I'm about as deep as a puddle
- with push comes to shove, I prefer things of the religious nature to be done alone.
- that the 3 calls and emails about my church absence give me the INTENSE desire to not go back. basically it's having the opposite effect.
I'm not awfully surprised about the being a deep as a puddle. I get my spiritual inspirations from movies for crissakes! How deep can I be?!?
I'm also not surprised about the being alone thing. I've always been a "back of the church" person. You know, the people that want to get in, worship, and get out. I was a solitary when I tried the pagan thing. I know that church should be all about the beloved community. I get that. I respect it. I endorse it. But I don't know if that's for me.
I still believe in everything that Unitarian Universalism stands for. I admire the environmental crusading and the social justice. I admire the community they foster. I also know that the crusading and social-justice-ing are too much for me to do. I also am not 100% comfortable in the community.
I guess I have some soul searching to do.
or it could be PMS....